SETTLEMENT- a convoluted and byzantine web!

The words of regret of a women born in 60s into a conservative family.

I was 4 when I saw, a man drive on the roadway in a big car, I screamed in glee and said, I wish I had one.’My father returned a nasty look and said “Study well, grow, settle and buy one”.

I treated “Settle “ to be a sacred word and highly regarded it.

I turned 12, I saw my teacher come drenched in perfume, wear Eiffel touching stilettos and ears pierced  and wished I would be one so one day, when she said” Study well , grow, settle and groom yourself as you wish”.

I wondered what means to settle

I turned 15 and wished to learn to play violin , I was snubbed “First settle down and then do what you wish to”.

I turned 18 and wished to have a boyfriend like all others of my age,my grandad admonished and curtailed my wish saying “ Fetch one after you Settle”

I hated the word settle

I was now wedded and on a tour with my husband I saw a solitary soul cry, I told my hubby that I wished to lend  my shoulder to her to lean on, he said rather firmly”Baby, let our wedded life settle and then you may lend anything”

I now had a child, and saw a man starve in hunger, shiver in cold thunders , I ventured to give the warmth.On my return I was rebuked of not being a good mother for having wasted time that was meant for helping my child settle.

My child grew 8 years and had learnt a new word in English “ACHIEVEMENT” and asked me “Momma what did you achieve in your life?”

I was jolted by the question and remained paralyzed .My thoughts rolled back as the tears rolled down my eyes . I had spent 46 years of my life just gathering guilt, guilt of not being able to do anything, resentment of my lack of resistance to them.

I resent for having surrendered to the obnoxious word called “SETTLE”

I loathe myself for my inability to live  my wishes and punish myself for bottling up them.

The next day morning kiddo asked me the same question “Mom, you didn’t answer me, what have you achieved in your life”

I answered, “Son, my achievement in my life was a learning, which  I’m going to share with you now.

Son, we are not really sure how long our life would be, to be precise, we have a short life.In this short life , we will come across a a web called “SETTLEMENT”.I learnt that settlement is not “the act of making stable or putting on a permanent basis” according to your father or my father’s dictionary.But it much bigger than that.I learnt that it’s a process, a never  ending one and that wisdom  lies in accommodating tiny wishes during this process of stabilizing.I understood that I have been compromising with the little of my dreams , held up in this intricate web I also learnt not to surrender to the word of settlement and live life as it comes.”  I wish you don’t spend your years in settling and then realize that all these years you have just been  settling little noticing that there you have lived it mechanically.,Son life is an alloy of experiences, experiences sprouting from determination, happiness, sorrows, romance, hunger, fancies, wishes, whims and lots more.Live it moment by moment”