Fizzling out in the process of chiseling?

After days of running around the Govt college management for skill development training for the students, I found that it was near approval.

Let me begin by introducing you to the college landscape first...

A  huge stately board of the Govt college  standing right on the main road appeals and instantly invites you. And following the address pointers, one would  reach the college. Walking towards the college, one carries the imagination of the edifice, its architecture, its stateliness…And once you reach the college, all your imagination goes into ashes.
You find a huge heavy iron gate that was once black but now turned into deep orange due to intense rusting. When you touch the gate to push it open, your hands carry the orange tinge as a return gift.
And then you enter the college premises and find  an appalling reality that the cattle and stray animals have outnumbered the students of the college.
You would encounter a  dilapidated building, near a total collapse, if the wind blew any stronger…..
You walk a little into the rooms you find students who look half their ages, emaciated, uninterested, detached, life less, ignorant.

On the day of the final meeting for the approval , I found some Mr X , a  faculty of the college who spoke  to me pointing to the students and said “Madam, these are good for nothing ones, nothing good can happen out of them.  Every year students get enrolled, some complete the course and the rest get dropped out in the mid course. This is how this college is. They anyway arent the ones to get into Harvards and Oxfords. I suggest you madam, better you also come in the morning take the attendance  and write the topic on the  board and go madam. Just conduct one exam on the last day madam and you can be sure of the fact that all of them are only going to get a circle on their answer scripts and your job is done.  ”

I was wondering if he was trying to rationalize his incompetence. 3 weeks into the college now, I haven’t seen him even once in the classroom. Ever in the library, canteen, bank, everywhere except the classrooms.

Oh well, I haven’t yet told you about the first day of the  Skill development training.

So it was a Friday that the management authorities asked me to reach the college by  11:00 am and it looked as though they had something important to talk to me.
Very promptly I reached the college 2 mins before 11:00 am and I found the management staff walking into the campus then. The college begins at 10:00 for students, but what time does it begin for faculty, I couldn’t guess.
A freaky man with a super casual attitude walked past the Principal and says” Oh so you have come. I wanted to tell you that a batch has been formed and  you may start the class from Monday from 8:15 am to 10:00.Be here at sharp 8:15 am.Madam, don’t forget.”
I thanked him for the offer and walked back to resume my day.

I was pondering that night, that these are the students who really need the change and I vowed to myself that come what may, I would deliver the best I can and help them fight their fears and walk along with them. Not do anything just for the heck of it.  The students would believe me so much and making  a joke out of their belief felt like self raping BIG time.

I woke early the morning  of my first class and was all set to kick start the journey towards the excellence of my students.
I reached the college well before 8:15.I already found a group of students waiting in the campus. We found the class rooms locked.  I joined them in the waiting. One by one the number of students grew. There still was a strong belief that at least when the clock shows 8:30, the doors would be open. But no..the waiting continued. They were discussing how the course would benefit them, how they are willing to fight their fears out and stand successful.
Now, I was more worried about the enthu spirits of the students  that would dampen because of the callus indifferent behavior of the faculty. And when it was 8:55, the mentor of the department, slowly walked and looking at me waiting, looked at his watch and gave an “Oh shit!” expression.
I met him with a bloody cold stare and he glared back at me asking “Don’t you have my number. couldn't you have called me?”
I replied, "I did, but your number was not reachable"
“Oh! I actually forgot that we had a class today.”  And without any ounce of regret he continued “You see madam the college actually begins at 10:00.So why do you think I would have to remember a day when the college gates should be opened at 8:30, vo bhi, just for a couple of students! Anyway you now use this class.”
I walked into the class without wasting any further time, and there were glass pieces all around. Clearing the glass pieces over my table I asked “ What has happened, why are the glass pieces all around?” One of the students volunteered to help me clear the glass pieces and said “On Saturday morning the tube light broke mam.”
“Yahaan jisko acha na lage, ya jisko chube, wahi saaf karleta hai mam!”. I ignored my boiling emotions and started my first class.
After the supposedly one and half hrs class, I rushed to the mentors room screaming at him about the careless and callus attitude of the management towards the students. He was such a man, I could believe.”Ye padh ke kon sa Bill gates ya steve Jobbs banna hai. Sab ke sab to fail hona hi hai.Jasbati na hoiye…un jasbaton ko kahin aur use Karen to aap tarakki karenge”

Was this called the Pruning of the students 

or is this fizzling out in the process of chiseling?

I was baffled though but not dampened a wee bit. These experiences just concertize my vision of giving the best to the students.

Kaun mera, kya tu laage...

It was November, and I was all excited to rush to Bangalore to bring my sister,Uma(Didi) home.She was to deliver a baby soon.My gut feeling was strong that it would be a  princess.

She was home with a big tummy and I wondered what pot of Gold was inside her.

Jiju and I had arguments often on whether it was going to be a princes or prince.The arguments were backed with baseless justifications from both the ends.

This was followed by "If it a Prince/Princess, I'd......" sessions.

December 21st

Uma was taken to the operation theater and I escorted her till the vestibule of the O.T and then as per the hospital rules, i was to wait outside with my parents, jiju, uncle who were filled with anxiety.

The clock ticked 12:04 p.m and we saw the nurse come out say "Its a girl".And ther you see I won!

Being the youngest one in the family, the biggies of the family first made it to into the Post-op ward to take the first look of the princess.Everyone came out and was describing the baby bud.They said you is beautiful, you is pink, you has lots of hair.I wasn't able to draw the picture, as i had never seen moments old baby.

I asked everyone if they got the opportunity to touch the baby.The answer came with a logical and scientific theory that the baby was really small and touching or holding it wouldn't be good for the child now.

Being the youngest in the family, i was the last one to left to take her first look for whom i was arguing all the while you were still growing in my sisters womb.

I was really anxious and nervous.I did not know how to react.I went inside and i saw pink baby wrapped in a white sanitized towel, lying over a cute little bed, just enough for her.You had cute little round eyes,that winked every now and then.I couldn't find your hands or legs as you were under the wraps. I was watching you from a distance, when a nurse came and put my princess into my hands. That was the baby's first touch. I had no idea of how to hold you. The nurse came yelling "This isn’t the way you can hold the baby" and you put her over my shoulder. Your towel slid down her waist, and when i held her close to my heart, there was a resonance-her heart stroke with mine. My little princess opened her mouth round and gave a big, loud cry !

That was the first pulse i felt and without even my little notice, tears of happiness just rained down my eyes.I came out excited, elated, exhilarated. I was feeling so proud that i was the first one to hold the baby.

Walking out of the Post op room, the nurse called me and said "Tum pe hi jayeigi".This statement filled more of happiness to my already animated mood.

Then was followed by series of calls to kith and kin informing them about the pot of gold.

The next big fight was for "Who would be the first one to give her honey".

While the whole of the family was busy in deciding who and when should the honey given to the baby, i smeared honey on my finger and stealthily slid my finger into your mouth and then gave the declaration that the baby was done with the honey licking program and that people  might get busy with other more important things.

The next big Battle was for the NAME!

Everyone had a different name to call her-some called cutie, some sweetie, some laddu, some chinnu!

While the naming ceremony was still 20 days away, we had days and nights submitted to understanding you,  our newly registered kid in our family list.

Every hour or hour and a half we used to find her cry of hunger, the first little screech of her throat, i used to be up right at the  table mixing lactogen to feed my baby. It was a herculean task as you didn’t know how to drink the spoon fed lactogen. Every drop of milk you rolled down your throat gave a warm feeling from within.

You were brought home from hospital and along with you came celebrations home!

The new year was really special for us, You were definitely the reason.

Nights were spent in rocking you in my arms and making all different sound that were never ever made before just to keep  watching you.

At home, we were working in shifts and mine was generally the night shift. The shift system was made just for our convenience but one scream, everybody was up from the bed putting you to bed.

I joined work and one day talking to my colleagues i found myself rocking as though the you were still in my arms.My friends knocked me at the way i was making sounds and faces, EMBARRASSING!

I was an office addict.History has it that there have hardly been any instances when i used to return home early.But noy you see, i was home early, earlier than ever before.I was now a whining kid to go to office leaving you.:(

It was your naming ceremony  the 21st day.Your aunts-Kittu and Geetu had reached a common name beginning with CH as per the suggestion of the astrologer.On the 10th of Jan 2013, we whispered your name into your ears-CHARVI.That was you-my cute little pearl. That was for records any way,I loved calling you as Betu, chinna pandu, small fruit, sweet fruit, cutie pie, sweetie pie, charvi gold, singh is queen....and any random name that came to my mind.:)

You were and are my pride. I was driven so crazy.....I had all the time under the sky to record your noisy, complaining, seasoned with your nakhraas and  whines and show it to all my friends and explain them what was in your whine...Sounds silly!

When you sleep over, you used hold my kurta so tightly, it always felt me privileged that you found that great protection in me.I was a proud aunt!

You were growing each day.With all freedom, you used to pee, poo and puke over me. Then I used get into the cleaning section, cleaning you as well as myself.

It was fun watching you grow, make sounds, move.You also became naughty and started chewing my nose off when i ever held you close to my face to kiss.

World feels so much a bliss to watch you smile and laugh!I would sell the world and buy a whole new world for you just to watch you smile.

My day began with you pulling my hair or giving me a  massage on my bums or tummy ,with your unintentional kicks and punches, lying beside me. It used end with your chuckles and see you sleep cozy in my lap. 

And suddenly we were storm hit-Charvee was gone to her place You tatafied us creating such a huge void in us!

All that we do now is to see, see you on skype. The feel is missed!

Charvee, when you grow to the age of comprehending things, do read this, this is for you:

Kaun mera, kya tu laage

kyun tu baandhe, man se man ke dhaage..

Bas chale na mera tere aage...

Chod karna tu kanhi, dur ab jaana, tujhko kasam hai....

sath rehna jo bhi ho tum, jhooth ya sach hai, ya bharam hai.

Apna banaane ka jatan kar hi chuke ab to

Baiyan pakad kar aaj chal

Main doon bata sabko

Kaun mera, kya tu laage

kyun tu baandhe, man se man ke dhaage..

Bas chale na mera tere aage...

It cannot be IGNORED anymore!

It was a nice fine morning, when i opened my eyes first in this beautiful planet.
Nurse exclaimed-Its a girl!
My Parents first exclaimed that it was a beautiful pearl but sank in distress i knew no clue of

I was brought up safely in the secure hands and then i was treading towards adolescence.
With each growing year, their worry grew twice my age.

Worry springs: 

After my classes, as i walked back home, there were whistles and cat calls.
I was insisted to ignore-IGNORED!

I turned an adolescent and loved dance.
salsa was just in the name but actions were around my waist and bust.
I was too young to understand lust.
I was insisted to ignore-IGNORED!

It was my birthday time, time to celebrate the girl in me.
and wished my dress be tailored.
With the measuring tape in one of his hands, with the other, the lecherous tailor was trying to feel me.
I was insisted to ignore-IGNORED


I travelled by bus, and there I was sandwiched between two manly statures with hardly any breathing space, hands curling around me, hands slithering over me.
I was insisted to ignore-IGNORED

I walked on the road with my father,
some nasty guy rode past by me, laying his hand over my waist, as though he owned me.
I was insisted to ignore-IGNORED


In a white skirt on a sunny afternoon, traveling from my college in a bus,
I discovered, there was some moron somewhere, who had spat pan on my skirt which proved his insanity in proving my menstruation.
I was insisted to ignore-IGNORED

I suffered asthama , my breath was choked,
I was rushed to the hospital.
The doctor-a man, quickly pulled his steth and more swiftly,  slid his hand below my dupatta to check what??


This time as ever, was insisted to IGNORE, but i refused.My reflexes drove my hand onto his cheeks and landed one tight retaliation with every force i could, with the courage i could, with the rancor i could.

Since the day  i resolved, my fight to celebrate myself!.

The world is ruled by insanity.
raking pulses silenced by fear.
silence giving a boost to the brute.
Resultant-Amplified and magnified animal act.

Break the silence now!
We arent glass that some one comes, sees through, touches, feels, uses and then crushes.
I have learnt to be the sword to mince those advances towards me.

Real courage and dignity of being a man lies not in overpowering the women, but in respecting her.

SETTLEMENT- a convoluted and byzantine web!

The words of regret of a women born in 60s into a conservative family.

I was 4 when I saw, a man drive on the roadway in a big car, I screamed in glee and said, I wish I had one.’My father returned a nasty look and said “Study well, grow, settle and buy one”.

I treated “Settle “ to be a sacred word and highly regarded it.

I turned 12, I saw my teacher come drenched in perfume, wear Eiffel touching stilettos and ears pierced  and wished I would be one so one day, when she said” Study well , grow, settle and groom yourself as you wish”.

I wondered what means to settle

I turned 15 and wished to learn to play violin , I was snubbed “First settle down and then do what you wish to”.

I turned 18 and wished to have a boyfriend like all others of my age,my grandad admonished and curtailed my wish saying “ Fetch one after you Settle”

I hated the word settle

I was now wedded and on a tour with my husband I saw a solitary soul cry, I told my hubby that I wished to lend  my shoulder to her to lean on, he said rather firmly”Baby, let our wedded life settle and then you may lend anything”

I now had a child, and saw a man starve in hunger, shiver in cold thunders , I ventured to give the warmth.On my return I was rebuked of not being a good mother for having wasted time that was meant for helping my child settle.

My child grew 8 years and had learnt a new word in English “ACHIEVEMENT” and asked me “Momma what did you achieve in your life?”

I was jolted by the question and remained paralyzed .My thoughts rolled back as the tears rolled down my eyes . I had spent 46 years of my life just gathering guilt, guilt of not being able to do anything, resentment of my lack of resistance to them.

I resent for having surrendered to the obnoxious word called “SETTLE”

I loathe myself for my inability to live  my wishes and punish myself for bottling up them.

The next day morning kiddo asked me the same question “Mom, you didn’t answer me, what have you achieved in your life”

I answered, “Son, my achievement in my life was a learning, which  I’m going to share with you now.

Son, we are not really sure how long our life would be, to be precise, we have a short life.In this short life , we will come across a a web called “SETTLEMENT”.I learnt that settlement is not “the act of making stable or putting on a permanent basis” according to your father or my father’s dictionary.But it much bigger than that.I learnt that it’s a process, a never  ending one and that wisdom  lies in accommodating tiny wishes during this process of stabilizing.I understood that I have been compromising with the little of my dreams , held up in this intricate web I also learnt not to surrender to the word of settlement and live life as it comes.”  I wish you don’t spend your years in settling and then realize that all these years you have just been  settling little noticing that there you have lived it mechanically.,Son life is an alloy of experiences, experiences sprouting from determination, happiness, sorrows, romance, hunger, fancies, wishes, whims and lots more.Live it moment by moment”

I dream of a day...

Note:The below words are based on the conversation i had with a rag picker-ruqsaar, aged 7 and here she speaks her heart through my words.

I dream of a day,

When all the children will hold pens in their hands instead of fidgeting sticks.

Where all the children will look for letters and words and numbers instead of plastic, ploythene and glass.

Where all the children will be in their divine classrooms and not in the filthy trash bins.

Where all the rag pickers will will wear a satchel with books and not a sack of trash flung on their shoulder

Where no child's hands are engaged in dish washing , but in holding an abacus and a globe.

Where no child will ever lie on the pavement and dream about being in school.

 I dream of a day,

Where all the people will be lettered,

Where a child spells his name as kalam and not as kalim,

When all the people will sign with a pen and the stamp pads seem redundant

Where the president’s son and a scavenger's son sit on the same bench and learn the lessons  of life.

Where education becomes a breathing right of every child born!

When  we all  be the preachers and the teachers to the world.

I have a dream that each of my fellow brothers and sisters will transform this dream of an educated India, real.

Oh Lord of Rains...

Oh lord of rains!
Here is the chronicle of our complaints.
At distance, i see a horizon
on the lands, parched by the hot scorching sun.


I see the rivers and the ponds dry,
and found people in hunger, cry.


Deep in their throats, thirst i found,
Sad and sullen is how they sound.


Seasons passed by, there were no crops,
for the planet was and there were no rain drops.


Pots empty, withering trees,
lives were everything but at ease.

The globe turned impoverished and torrid,
with no food, no water, no hope, no life, the thought was so horrid.


I learnt that earth and sky can never ever meet,
this was the humblest way of nature's deceit.


Sans food, sans water, sans life, sans hope,
darkness invading,life was on a drooping slope.


Tightly shut my eyes under the sky in desperation,
the result of pain,hnger, thirst, laceration.

I felt on my forehead, a cold rainy pearl,
opened my eyes in surprise to see the life take a twirl.


Witnessed the heavy downpour,
like it happened in ages, never before.


Had seen the dead grass turn lush green,
felt an unknown mystic sheen.


Saw many like me bouncing back alive,
souls and spirits jumping  in mirth and jive


Blessings that the rain showers
propels  us to move ahead with renewed powers


the rain washed our fears,
the rain dried our tears,


It turned us a new leaf,
instilled in us a new belief.


I realised after arid summers, come the fresh springs,
depleting the dearth, repletes with he mirth it brings


Oh lord of rains,
there are no more complaints
bring loads and loads of rains,
drain away all our pains,
bring in all new gains.:)